As the unremitting sky was mottled by shroud blackness and the day came to a halt, I sat there in my room in the horrendous heat with three more chapters to finish off. I was worried. Really worried. But not about the untouched, remaining chapters but, about my hair. Yes, the fact that my hair hadn’t been washed in two days disturbed me greatly. What will people say when they’ll see me with such hair?
“How can I possibly go to school with such hair?” I frowned at myself in the mirror while constantly fidgeting with them- which seemed to me a total wreck. “I’m definitely not going to school like this. I’ll wash th-”
“- no you will not wash them and shall be going to school tomorrow like this” Startled, I spun around to see it was only mom standing at the door. “You washed them only two days back and certainly can’t wash them in such small intervals” she said. “But mom! I can’t! They are all terribly messed up!” I protested. “Beta, yes you can and you will. Just make sure that you don’t out those horrible locks of yours and you’ll be just fine.” I grimaced at this, however, ignoring this she continued-“Now, it’ll be better if you get back to your studies for you have a test to write tomorrow” “ b-b-utt mama!” I groaned. “No more of this, Anshuli. Tell me, are you through with your entire course?” she asked with a slight severity in her voice. Sheepishly I replied-“umm..Yes..I’m just left with three more chapters.
“THREE MORE CHAPTERS!!??” she boomed. “And YOU stand here in front of the mirror bickering about your hair?? Now Anshuli, this just too much. DO YOU REALIZE HOW IMPORTANT THESE STUDIES ARE?? Your future, your career, your everything dep
“-Alright, alright I’m getting back to it. Stop shouting.” I moaned. “Well, you better do that” she replied and without another word left the room. Arrgh! Why is mama so protective?? It’s not like im going bald! And ‘horrible locks’ is what she calls them. I’m pretty sure that in her days she also must have been a one conscious girl. I mean who isn’t? Shweta’s mum doesn’t stop her from looking pretty! And without reading another word from the book
I straight away hopped onto my bed, still furious over what had happened. But my trains of thoughts were disturbed. But not any outside elemental disturbance but my own mind play caused the static. A really weird thought rammed into my mind. “I know-I’ll show mom” I told myself. “When I shall be the mother of two kids, when I will have a daughter, she will love me. For I will be the ‘super cool’ mom” I knew that I talked funny, but I liked it. It made me feel better…still busy in my thoughts I didn’t realize when drowsiness took control and sleep dawned upon me. Soon I was in my happy world…lost in my dreams.
“Mama! I’m home, and guess what? I am really hungry! Lunch time!” I said while making my way into the house. I kept my bag on a chair and stood in front of the mirror, again. A ping of despair gripped me on seeing my hair. I had tried everything, but they weren’t washed so no point. But never mind. School was still fine. And I will anyway wash them today, no matter what. So, humming merrily I went to the dining hall, my stomach growling in hunger. Mama was right there too, making chapattis. On seeing me she gave me a warm smile and said “Hello beta. Food for you is ready. But first, do tell me how your test was?” I stiffened a bit on my chair. I wanted to avoid this question but now? “Well, yes ‘twas…good” I made sure that I don’t look into her eyes, I just couldn’t. So I started playing with the water- bottle cap. “Oh. That’s good beta.” She said with a smile. This did it. My stomach suddenly gave a big lurch. It was a strange feeling. Guilt perhaps? Whatsoever it was I ignored it. I had my lunch, changed my clothes and like everyday- hopped in front of the computer.
It was time for some ‘facebooking’. Minutes, probably hours must have passed when I heard the phone go tring- tring. I decided to take the call but then heard mum answering it. Must be shweta I thought. Because she usually calls at this hour. So I just sat there on my computer seat and waited for mama to call for me. Seconds ticked off but no call.
Strange. None of mama’s friend calls on the residence number. It has to be mine. But then why isn’t she calling me? I decided to check for what’s wrong. On reaching the drawing room I found mama still holding the receiver talking to someome… talking to shweta! “…Oh Shweta, I’m afraid but she cannot make it…yes. Actually you see it’ll get pretty late…” I stood still, befuddled. What was she talking about? “…all right beta…thankyou. Take care. Bye” she said and then hung up. “Who was it mom?” I asked her questioningly. “It was shweta, she was inviting you to go along with her to some party. But I told her already that you can’t come because it is a late night party and_”
“-And what?” I snapped back. She seemed a bit surprised to hear me speaking to her like this.” And it is not safe. You are too young to attend such parties.” She said. On hearing this I was agitated. How could she? “MOM! You didn’t even let me speak to her! She’s my friend!” I boomed. She just looked up at me from her magazine again and said” yes I do know that she is your friend but you are my daughter. And what’s the point of you talking to her when you already know that you wouldn’t be allowed to go, so I thought…” “-WHAT? Mum since when have you been given the right to make all the decisions of my life, for me?” I didn’t care about how impudent I sounded. this had done it-and I was shrieking. “Anshuli, that right rests with me since the day I gave birth to you. I think you’re forgetting that I’m your mother.”
I could feel the rise in temper and sternness rising in her voice. “But that doesn’t mean that you stop me from enjoying my life! That’s not mothers are there for, are they? A mother is supposed to be a daughter’s best friend mama. Tell me, are you playing the role of a best friend? I think not!” I yelled back. “ mom, do you ever realize that even I want to live happily, that even I want to enjoy some freedom? And we all know that I am old enough to decide of what’s good or bad for me!” as soon as these words came out of my mouth my wrath started diminishing and transforming into staggering despair and I had tears in my eyes. All this while she just kept looking at me intensely. After a minute’s silence she sighed and said “well. If that is what you think then I can’t help it. But all I can tell you is that what you think is absolutely wrong. You still are a kid and don’t understand.”
“Plea-please mom” I chocked and with a great thud threw myself on the floor. Seeing this she tried to unite my in a hug but I backed off. I could see the shell- shocked expression on her face but I didn’t care. I was right. “Anshuli, beta listen to me” she spoke in tears. “ I love you beta. And I don’t want you to be unhappy in your life. But you do need to understand. Whatever I do- I do for your own good beta. I don’t despise you. You’re my child, I REALLY care for you…” I could sense the difficulty she was facing in saying all this but I didn’t even dare to look at her for I knew that If I did I would be easily convinced. But I was determined this time
.” Look beta you are just too young right now…” she continued. “That party is not a safe place for you to be at-especially at night. Anything can happen to you” on hearing these words my head jerked upward and I looked at her. “PARTY? It isn’t only about the party mama- but it’s just everything! You have a problem with all my habits, all the things I do!” I was standing now. “‘don’t sit like that, don’t talk like that’, ‘why do you put kaajal, why is your hair like this’, why this- why that…god!” I shrieked a few octaves higher. “I’m not allowed to go anywhere, you don’t like my friends, you don’t like me talking on the phone to anyone! All you want me to do is study. Study and study the whole day and be your daughter- the perfect grade scorer! Tell me mama, is this all my life is about?? NO! Its not!” I fumed. I felt the heat on my cheeks, the rush of anger in my veins. But all mama did was turn her back towards me and quietly said-“you are not going and that’s all” “FINE” I yelled. “Now leave me alone” I screamed at her and ran from the room, with eyes from which tears were flowing relentlessly now. I ran up the stairs, to my room and bolted the door shut and locked it form inside.
I was all alone on now. And so my dirge exploded- I sat down on the bed, crying. Trying to comprehend what all happened. For a minute I think I had heard a thud on my door- a really soft knock perhaps but since I didn’t hear any further noise I concluded that it was just my head playing tricks on me. And I was more than glad to know that she wasn’t coming here after me. I didn’t want to see her face. Still breathing hard and drenched in tears I got up and started pacing all over my room, thinking. “I will show her- my time shall come…I’ll be the super cool mom.” I kept telling myself again and again. I wanted to keep my emotions firmly under my control and so to distract myself I switched out the television. After changing the channels in haze for about ten minutes,
I gave up. It wasn’t helping. Slowly, rising form my bed, I made my way to the conspicuous window. With my mind still swirling with thoughts I was trying to fight and reason with, with questions to which I wanted answers, it was difficult to concentrate on the scene outside. And so it seemed a really morbid look-right to me.
With a great sigh I turned back and decided to go to the kitchen and fetch my self something to eat for realization struck me that my stomach was growling. As I passed through the drawing room I saw mama sitting on the couch, reading a newspaper. As I passed she didn’t bother to look up but I can swear that I saw her eyes twitch for half a second. Not bothering to make something for myself, I just grabbed the leftover dinner rolls and went straight back to my room. Eating was a great help. And slowly, slowly my thoughts started breaking past the wall of pain- I was helpless. For I had no choices but just live this way. I was living a tormented life and will have to for the rest of my life.
Despair gripped me; there was no bargain to this, nothing I could offer to get out if this. For today, I was just relieved that the fight was over, for now. But little did I know that this was just a beginning. As days, weeks and years passed, every tick of the clock brought up new differences between me and mama- new reasons to fight to interpret. New reasons to lament and to curse my luck arose. However time doesn’t stop for anyone and so life went on. Many things changed. I changed but one thing remained the same, I was still determined. I had to show my mother what a real mother should be like. She shall see and realize how wrong she was. She’ll see me- the super cool mom. My time was yet to come
***
“Mom, I am going- I shall be back by seven thirty in the evening alright?” she said as she entered the room in her best outfit, wearing an exuberant smile on her face. I simply looked up at her and said “now Sarah, make sure you are not late and don’t forget to call me as soon as you reach and yes! Be careful!”
“- arey mama, relax. Don’t be so worried. I promise I will take care” she said, frowning. I gazed up at her, half worried and half nostalgic-remembering something, remembering myself…”MOM? MOM? Are you listening?” startled I snapped back into reality, after a minute’s daze I looked up at her, in her eyes full of concern. “Mama are you okay?” she asked. I gave her a reassuring smile and replied “yes beta. I’m absolutely fine. You just take care of yourself.” She sighed but then smiled and said “don’t worry mama, I’ll be all well” and with a last glimpse in the mirror she left.
Yes. My time has finally arrived. And now that it has come,
I sit here wondering that was it just me who was like that or is everyone? I sit her, remembering someone- who just like I am sitting right now, once sat with the same concern and love in her eyes for her daughter- for me. I wanted to be a super cool mother and there.
Here is what I am. Just the same of what she was. It’s funny how life plays its games on us. Till just a few years back I used to think that whatever she did- the way she had put so many restrictions on me was just because she didn’t want to see me happy. But now I know why she did all that-to make me what I am- a capable and a successful person and a ‘super cool’ mother, just like her own self. Sitting here now, when I remember all those little things, all I can do is manage a feeble smile to spread over my face. But inside, my heart swells with a hybrid of guilt, love, respect and enormity.
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| My superwoman. |
ur mom..z beautifuulll............:))
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